Wednesday, December 5, 2012
I'm a Fit Girl in Progress..not perfection.
I've had a REALLY hard past two days--emotionally, body-wise, mentally...
I have this notion in my head that the scale needs to keep dropping and if it's not that that means that I'm doing something completely wrong. I also have this fear, yeah--fear, that if it stops moving, it's never going to move again; I'm going to be fat and that's just how it's going to be. I was the fat kid. I was the heavy one in college. I was the friend, the cute one and the self conscious one. I'm the one that has to cover up at the beach. I'm the one who can't wear the in-style fashions. I'm the fatter sister. I'm the one that has a cardigan in every color. I'm the one that cries while getting dressed and I'm the one that hates taking family pictures on vacations because I'm ALWAYS the fat one. So, naturally...this whole losing weight thing is not just about losing weight. It's about anixety, fear and whole lot of heartache over the years. It's not just about the number dropping or fitting into a smaller size, it's about being proud of myself for changing my life and doing something that I have yet to be able to accomplish (sure I've lost weight, many times over- BUT, I've never been thin, fit AND healthy...).
I talked to Molly (my Arbonne and nutritional mentor) today, my mentor, and she started out phone conversation out like this, "Are you ready? Are you ready to hear me?" I thought she was sarcastically going to reprimand me for weighing myself too much. Now, she did that but she also brought me to tears in a matter of seconds. She told me, "You need to start realizing that you don't want to be fat and your body doesn't want to be fat. Repeat: your body doesn't want to be fat. Your body wants to be thin." She went on to explain that stress can cause you to hold onto weight (She has her doctorate in psychology). I knew this already but it somehow felt different hearing it. She told me that it's the journey that is what we need to focus on and not the outcome. The outcome will come from focusing on the journey ::::insert immediately flowing of tears while driving::::. She told me (or at least this is how I remember it), "You're doing it, already! You're on the journey. You've completely changed your life. It isn't about a diet. It's about a lifestyle and you need to remember that. You're not cutting out sugar forever. You're not giving up wine forever. You're learning how to live a healthy lifestyle- a truly healthy lifestyle. You're already doing it, girl. But, you need to remember that your who thing- your whole brand is... A Fit Girl in Progress. You're a work in progress- NOT PERFECT. You're not trying to be Fit Girl is Perfect. You're trying to live a healthy lifestyle. And, with the practice, will come the outcome (weight loss)."
I ended the phone call on a pretty somber note. I know this is what I need to be doing for myself. I'm proud of myself. I am proud of my changes. I work so hard to live a truly healthy lifestyle. I work hard to build every ounce of muscle that I have and I am working so incredibly hard to get this fat off of my body. I know that I need to step off of the scale and let my journey go, but it's hard when you've been so focused on that number your whole life.
I'm crying as I write this, big surprise, I know... but I just want to see myself, physically, as I dream of being: thin, fit and healthy. In due time, I suppose.
I'm off to sculpt fusion yoga to focus and sculpt my muscles and spin to burn some calories!
Thanks to all of you who follow my journey. I'm not perfect. I'm not to my goal yet, but I'm working on it.... I guess I really am the epitome of...A Fit Girl in Progress.